What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:43
She was in good health!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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My life is so biszare .
I said to her
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was scared of men, in general
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I was very sick at this time too.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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I have no regrets .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is soul school!.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When she asked me how she looked .
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Would this be the day?
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He knew the spot.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Comes on , in middle age.
I was seconnd youngest,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
What did i know ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I think the readers, may guess!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
Im still living with it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My family never makes their pension either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Who then, do I blame.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So, i spoilt her more .
Put me off passion for life!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So whats the point in blame.
I will be 64.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It was going to be , some day.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
All the time i was locked up.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I don,t even have a pension.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She wouldn,t have been !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She married twice! .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was 9 years of age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She loved him until the end.